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An emotional affair is basically a relationship between a person and someone other than their spouse that affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. It is sometimes referred to as an affair of the heart because it isn’t physically sexual. 

Matthew 5:27-28, MSG
“You know the next commandment pretty well, too: ‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.

An emotional affair often starts innocently from friendship and progresses toward greater levels of personal intimacy and attachment.

Maybe it's happened to you. You're fed up with your spouse, so you start chatting with that attractive person of the opposite sex in the next cubicle. You've known him for years, and it's so easy to talk. He just listens. Pretty soon you're sharing intimate problems, and now the co-worker is telling you how hard you have it. Maybe you should just leave your spouse ... and maybe the two of you should go out to lunch to talk more about it all. With this person, you're finding what you need and want: a sympathetic ear, someone who understands you, and all you're going through, maybe even the first meaningful physical touch you've had for months.

Obviously, while not all office relationships lead to affairs, and not all affairs start at work, this scene demonstrates in an overly simplified and time-compressed way how some people start down the path of cheating on their spouse.  

No matter how long you have been married, whether day, months or years, you’re never really immune to extramarital affairs. So, how many married people are cheating on their spouses?

In a recent research the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy stated that "A new crisis of infidelity was emerging in which people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly crossing the line from platonic friendships into romantic relationships ... ,"


Their statement is backed up by alarming statistics conducted through a national poll. While the findings showed that 15 percent of married women and 25 percent of married men have had sexual affairs, it was also revealed that an additional 20 percent of married couples have been impacted by emotional infidelity.


Impact of the Internet and Technology

Traditionally, the workplace has provided the most potential for extramarital affairs. Now, online chat rooms have opened the floodgates for other opportunities to develop romantic entanglements.

"The Internet is a dangerous place," said Jim Vigorito, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. "People can begin [a relationship] at an innocuous level, and then it can progress to something more."

What starts out as an emotional outlet can often lead a person down a slippery slope. 

Texting via Messenger Apps such as WhatsApp and the likes can make emotional affairs extremely accessible because it can start off simple and harmless. The ease that comes with texting leads you to end up communicating more with this person than with your spouse


With barriers down, a deep level of emotional intimacy can develop between two people quickly 

People get into emotional affairs because they feel their needs are not being met, and so find alternative means to meet that need. Here are some reasons why people do so:


1. To give a conscious or subconscious "wake-up call" to the spouse. This might happen if your spouse has a different kind of "lover" outside of your marriage, such as a consuming career or hobby.


2.  To inflate a bruised ego. You might want to get back at your spouse for something he or she did that hurt you rather than offering forgiveness and dealing with the root issue

3. Their Spouse Isn’t Speaking Their Love Language

As adults, meeting our physical intimacy needs in our relationships is a fundamental component of any successful relationship. That does include having sex, but that is not the only thing. Being touched, hugged, stroked, and even just sitting close to your partner as they pay attention to you are all important physical needs.

For some people, the feeling of rejection, isolation, and being alone that comes with not getting these physical needs met is so deep, so incredibly hurtful, that they simply can't live without getting it from “somewhere”.

4. Defective Boundaries

Boundaries are a crucial skill to understand to be able to live a good life in general. They are important at work, at school, and in your personal relationships.

For example, what you can say to a colleague is not what you can say to your professor. That is a boundary. What you can do with your best friend, you can not do with your boss. That is a boundary.

By the same token, the emotional intimacy you share with your intimate partner you can not share with someone else, that too is a boundary.

The challenge comes when you have a loose sense of boundaries.

A poorly defined boundary in a friendship can be all it takes to transform that friendship into emotional infidelity or an emotional affair.

If you can not oblige yourself to separate between what is appropriate to share with your intimate partner, and what is appropriate to share with someone else, then you are blurring the lines between the different types of relationships in your life, and it is much easier to find yourself entangled in affairs.

5. Fear of abandonment

People who have had many experiences where they felt abandoned by people they depended on emotionally would be on edge about that experience being repeated.

To manage this unconscious anxiety, some people resort to having more than one emotional attachment at a time, to feel secure that they have someone they can “fall back on” should the first one leaves them.


6. Lack of Effective Communication 

One of the biggest challenges in marriage is effective communication.

It is one thing to “believe” you have shared your concerns with your partner, and a totally different thing to ACCURATELY and EFFICIENTLY communicate your concerns.

In other words, you may think that you said something, but you have only truly said it if your partner understood it, and that is where most of the couples we see come very dangerously short.

The sad truth is, most couples believe they shared their concerns with their partner, and that their partner is deliberately ignoring them.

So, what do you do if you believe you have been disappointed and let down by your intimate partner?

For some people, the answer is to find someone else who will meet your needs and respond to your concerns, and that is how emotional affairs start


7.  Your spouse doesn't live up to your expectations anymore. Remember that you know your spouse's good and bad qualities, while you may only see someone else's good side because you don't know him or her well enough to see warts yet. That's known as "romanticizing" a relationship.

If you are not quite sure if you are having an emotional affair, here are nine signs that indicate you probably are:

Constant communication when you are not together. You are constantly in touch with this person, even at questionable hours. You spend time chatting or calling this person

He or she becomes the first person you want to call with any “news.” You have some exciting news to share or you have had a bad day and this is the person whom you call. 

This person takes over your thoughts. You think about him or her constantly. This person is on your mind when you wake up in the morning, when you go to sleep at night, and a lot of time in between. You have this person in mind when you are getting dressed, hoping he or she will notice your appearance. 

You believe this person really “gets” you. You start to feel like he or she really understands you, even better than your spouse. 

You discuss very personal topics, such as the problems in your current relationship. You share all or most of your problems and concerns with this person. 

You frequently compare your spouse to him or her. You may get angry with your spouse for not doing things like the other person does. You start to idealize this person while your partner begins to look worse in your eyes. 

You spend a lot of time together. You find excuses or create reasons to spend time with him or her.

You start to lie or keep secrets. This usually entails lying by omission. If you purposely do not tell your spouse about your talks, meetings, lunches, texts and phone calls, alarm bells should be ringing! Are you deleting messages from your phone or do you deny the communication you have with him/her when asked?
If you are hiding things or lying when you know deep down that the behavior is not okay. Would you be mortified if your spouse heard a taped conversation between you two?

Your spouse gets less of you while your special person gets more. Whether it is less communication, affection, your thoughts, or your innermost world, your time and focus are taken from your partner and transferred to this other person.

Meditate on Matthew 5:27-28

Go through the Signs of emotional affairs again, ask yourself if you are one. Give yourself an honest answer

1. If any, cut off from friends of the opposite sex who are "too close for comfort"

2. Ensure you set boundaries between work/casual relationships outside marriage

My marriage is built upon Jesus the solid rock

My marriage cannot fail

I have the fear of God

I choose to be satisfied with my spouse

I will not give room to distractions

I will honor God

I will honor the marriage covenant

Peace Reigns in my home

Love Reigns in My home

Joy reigns in my home. Amen


Read Building Stronger Homes and Families: Making Your House A Home. Download book HERE


Tell your spouse 3 things you love about her


Tell your spouse that you appreciate all he does for the family


Buy your spouse a small token of appreciation


Do something seductive

Spend time just kissing

Schedule & Links

Schedule of 31 Days of Marriage Challenge

12am - 1am - Marriage Challenge - FB, IG & Mixlr
Rebroadcast by 6am - 7am on Youtube

12pm - 1pm - Explosive Praying in The Holy Ghost
On Mixlr (Download app and follow at khcglobal)

4pm - 5pm - Teaching & Review - FB, IG & Mixlr
Rebroadcast by 8pm - 9pm on Youtube

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Youtube - HERE

Mixlr - HERE

Important Info

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